Saturday, July 9, 2011

Tender Moments :)

I know that there are more good moments than bad ones.  Logically, the good ones must outweigh the bad, right?  But clearly the bad ones are the ones that involve far more emotion and therefore stick out to us the most.

I'm writing right now because of a GOOD moment.  One that I want to remember no matter what happens during the bad ones, because it reminds me of why I love the man I love.... and why I hang on the way I do, for dear life, even at the risk of losing every ounce of my sanity in the process.

I was in here doing something and I got one of those, "Hey, can you come here?" calls.  You know the kind?  The nonchalant ones that you KNOW aren't for anything in particular because they simply want you to stop what YOU are doing because they themselves don't want to get up.  Not ten minutes earlier we had exchanged a word or two about something that at this moment I can't even freakin' remember because that's how trivial it was... but of course, that's common isn't it?  So I had a choice to make.  Get up or stay seated. 

I got up and stomped over to our bedroom, which is where CombatBoots was calling me from.  I stood there glaring at him with a hand on my hip, poised to ask, "What do you want now, dang it?" and before I could, he looked up at me with those big, beautiful, honey-colored eyes and extended those long, lean arms because.... brace yourselves folks!... he wanted me to come in there so that he could hug and hold me for a minute or two amidst all the craziness and tempers and hectic ridiculousness of our lives.

It was one of those tiny, tender moments during which I, PaintedToes, fell in love with my dear, sweet CombatBoots all over again.  And it reminded me that I signed up for this for the long haul... for better or for worse.  And that even though there's a LOT going on with him that I possibly won't ever fully understand, he still loves me... and he still smells great and feels damn good to snuggle up next to (when we hadn't had any contact in a good week or two... but I'm sure you guys know how that goes as well).

Thank you, God, Fate, other Powers that Be, for this blessed, wonderful, preciously tender moment of peace.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Stood up.

Number of months since CombatBoots returned from last deployment: Exactly Six
Number of times the two of us have gone out as a couple since then: Exactly ZERO

He stood me up.  Again.

Things haven't been going well lately as it is, and we had plans to go out last night.  Now, keep in mind that this is the first time since his return that HE suggested we go somewhere.  Right before he came back, I bought this hot lil' red dress that I just *knew* I'd be wearing out for New Year's Eve.  Nope.

Then I assumed we'd be making plans for Valentine's Day.  Nope.

Okay, well his birthday was coming up after that.  Nope.

Alright well this month is our 10 year anniversary!  Surely I'll get to wear the dress then!  NOPE.

It's a difficult thing when your own husband stands you up for a date.  Honestly, I wanted to go just to GO, you know?  Like I said, we have done absolutely nothing as a couple since his return, and it's killing me.  Our marriage is suffering.  But last night, as I cried silently to myself (as I'm doing now) and sobbed into my arm each time the pain in my chest told me how much further my heart was breaking... I made sure I got it all out then so that CurlyQs 1 and 2 didn't have to deal with seeing Mommy cry.  It almost worked, until CombatBoots himself came in to "investigate" my sniffling.

CombatBoots: "What's wrong with you?"
PanitedToes: "What do you MEAN, what's wrong with ME?!?!?!"
CombatBoots: "I mean, what's wrong with you?"

Okay now honestly, this is a ploy.  I am starting to think it's a defense tactic.  It's his way of rationalizing things.  As long as *I* am the one who is irrational, overly-emotional, high-strung, and dramatic, then *I* am the one with the problem.  And he has told me exactly that himself, time and time again.  But I am tired... I am so tired of this.

The last time he told me that, I went ahead finally and contacted Military Onesource and I am now getting counseling services thanks to them.  I've just had my second session, and GOD I hope it helps because I really am starting to lose it, people!  The telephone counseling session/pre-screening was great.  The counselor I am currently seeing is fantastic, she really is!  But if my husband is refusing treatment... all the counseling in the world won't be able to do a thing for me, really... will it?

Thanks for reading.

Friday, June 24, 2011


Hi, I'm PaintedToes!  And welcome to my Blog :)

I'm the proud owner of a StinkyMutt,

 mama to two beautiful lil Curly Q's,

and the loving wife of CombatBoots. 

And this blog is an effort at helping me maintain my sanity.  The exact reasons for why I'm currently feeling insane will come out in my next blog, but for now, I'll write a bit more about myself and my family.

I've been with my husband, literally, half my life.  We both turn 30 this year (cringe!) and are high school sweethearts who've been togehter since the wonderfully young age of 15!  Yes, I said 15 LOL.  In fact, as of next week, we'll have been married a whole whopping 10 years, too.  I can't believe how quickly the time has flown by...

StinkyMutt and the two CurlyQ's are all around the same age... 6 and a half (SM), 7 (CQ1) and 6 (CQ2) respectively.  Like the acronyms?  I thought they'd be cute :)  I work as a professional educator and attempt to try my hand at domestic type things when I have the chance.  It's summer now, so perhaps I shall have a free moment or two and blab about that with you guys as well!

And last but not least, there's my beautiful CombatBoots.  He is the reason I've decided to start this blog.  I honestly have reached a point where I'm not sure what else to do... and all my life I've been the type that when all else fails, and I've lost my way with everything else in the world.... when I feel like I can't do anything else but laugh or cry, well... it's then that writing brings me back to where I need to be.  Thus, the journey begins.  Thanks for joining me, and I really appreciate the fact that you've decided to come along for the ride. 

Buckle your seatbelts, folks!  It's gonna be a bumpy, shaky, rickety, and uncertain one.....